Rangeman Rules and Regulations
by Shreek
Summary: Inspired by Skippy's List. This is a list of Amended Rules and Regulations that has mysteriously appeared on the notice board in the Rangeman building. Written purely for laughs. :P Chapter THREE now posted!.
1. Chapter 1

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: _**Well, I was reading a fanfic the other day, for the anime FullMetal Alchemist, which was based on Skippy's List and was inspired to write one for the Plumverse. So, with the help of my very best friend Svendances, here it is!**_].

_A couple of months after Stephanie Plum began working at the Rangeman building a handwritten notice appeared on the Break Room's bulletin board. Over time the handwritten notice grew longer and included several different sets of handwriting._

**NOTICE**

_**Below is an Amended List of Rules and Regulations to forthwith be abided by,**_

_** by all Rangeman personnel and visitors/ invited spectators to Rangeman / or any subsequent official activities**_

_** provided/ participated in by Rangeman Co. personnel.**_

1) Bombshell and Boss Man are not to be referred to as Mom and Dad.

a. Failure to adhere results in an electrical shock (via stun gun) to the testicles.

/

2) Replacing Boss Man's black hair ties with "My Little Pony", "Dora the Explorer" or any other variation of children's hair ties is not funny.

a. Ever.

/

3) The words "Steph", "Bombshell", "Cupcake" or "Babe" are NEVER to be uttered in the same sentence as the words "PMS" or "that time of month".

a. Don't even think of using any other variations of above mentioned words.

/

4) Storage rooms are not to be used for quickies during the lunch break.

a. Or at any other time.

b. Tank.

c. You too, Lula.

/

5) Company Internet quota is not to be used for uploading videos of homemade Drag Queen Fashion Shows/ strip teases to public or private forums.

a. Oh gods WHY?

/

6) Stop laughing Lester. It's not that funny.

/

7) If you're going to sneak sweets onto the comm. floor, don't leave a trail of wrappers leading to your cubicle. It's a little conspicuous.

a. *cough* Bombshell *cough*

/

8) Declaring a Practical Joke Duel is not a productive way to settle petty arguments.

/

9) Nor is it a productive way to settle any other sort of argument.

/

10) The Boss Man's Porsche is not to be referred to as the Batmobile.

a. Nor is the seventh floor the Bat Cave.

/

11) Boy Wonder comments will result in a smack down.

/

12) Tank has never, and never will say "Holy underpants, Batman!"

/

13) We do not require all visitors to wear tracking bracelets whilst on the premises.

a. So only the suspicious looking ones?

/

14) Company policy trumps bro code.

/

15) Mrs Plum is not the Devil Incarnate, you with stop referring to her a thus.

/

16) Morelli is not the enemy.

a. Yeah, cause Boss Man has so totally already got Bombshell bagged as a sure thing.

b. I'll drink to that!

c. Hear, hear!

d. I am NOT a "sure thing", and will you stop talking about my love life.

e. What's the difference between a "love life" and a "sex life"?

f. Candles?

/

17) The list of Amended Rules and Regulations is NOT to be used as a personal discussion forum.

/

18) The phrase "in accordance with the prophecy" is henceforth banned in the office

a. In accordance with the prophecy

/

19) Talent shows are hereby banned until further notice.

a. You mean I've been practicing my flaming juggling for nothing?

b. You prove my point.

c. What was that discussion forum rule again?

/

20) To every rule there is an exception.

a. Except this one.

/

21) While the nickname "Merry Men" is cute, we do not "roam around the forest looking for fights" and as such, should not be expected to wear "TIGHT tights".

a. You get on the bad side of Bombshell and you will be.

/

22) Duct taping Cal off the floor and to the wall is not an appropriate usage of work materials.

a. No matter how epic it was.

/


	2. Chapter 2

**[AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_**Well I wasn't expecting**_ _**such an overwhelming response but I thank you very much! So myself and my co-conspirator Svendances have decided to continue on with the list].**_

_**/  
**_

_Pretty soon the list of became too long to posted up with all the regular messages on the notice board and a new notice board was supplied. This one had a plaque above it:_

_/  
_

**AMENDED RULES AND REGULATIONS**

**OF RANGEMAN CO.**

/

Amended Rules and Regulations Cont.:

_**Rules and Reg.'s for Field Duty.**_

/

23) Breaking down a fugitive's door and dodge rolling into the premises will most likely get you shot.

a. In the butt.

/

24) Wearing sunglasses at night is not a successful disguise.

/

25) No run-down of the game plan should involve the word "Yee-haw".

/

26) All bets regarding when Boss Man is going to "pop the question", who Bombshell and Boss Man's kids will take after more, when they'll be born and what they'll be called will cease immediately.

a. And the money tin with all your bets in it is being confiscated.

b. Yeah, they're going to use it to pay for the Baby Shower.

c. We're not a couple! We're not having a damn baby!

d. Mood swings are part of pregnancy right? Something to do with hormones?

e. I'M NOT PREGNANT!

f. See? Hormones out of whack. Pay up Hal.

/

27) Fake beards do indeed look fake.

/

28) You cannot invoke the spirit of butt-kickers past to help you out of a sticky situation.

/

29) Mrs Mazur is NOT a weapon. It doesn't matter HOW effective she is you are NOT to take her on missions with you.

a. Or you will be fired and she'll get your job.

/

30) Bombshell is sick of posing as your girlfriend/fiancé/wife on missions, pick a new routine.

/

31) You cannot attach spurs to your work issued boots.

/

32) Stop telling new personnel that Tank will respect them more if they make him laugh.

a. Especially not if you tell them where his "ticklish spot" is.

b. Lula doesn't appreciate the interruptions.

/

33) NO sneaking off to have quickies when on duty outside the office.

/

34) We do not "mosey on down" ANYWHERE.

/

35) Not all treacherous missions occur "on a dark and stormy night".

/

36) You cannot buy your own boots and attach spurs to them in place of wearing work issued boots.

a. The CHA-CHINKing sound will blow your cover.

/

37) Hostages are not a hoax.

a. Nor a plea for attention to be ignored like the kid in the back of the class who "REALLY needs to go to the toilet" fifteen times an hour.

/

38) When a gun is being held to the head of a hostage it is better to negotiate the hostage's release rather than kick the door down with guns at the ready. Just sayin'.

/

39) Letting Cal and Hal wax your legs with duct tape during work hours does not entitle you to workers comp.

a. It was your own damn fault, deal with it.

/

40) Plan A is NEVER to be "Let Bombshell go in alone with a taser and take bets on what happens".

a. Nor will it be Plan B or C or any other letter in the alphabet.

/

41) No grass (long stemmed or not) is to be chewed on company time.

a. Where did you even find any, anyway?

/

42) Calling it the "First Plan" instead of Plan A isn't fooling anyone.

a. It's just NOT A PLAN!

/

43) The Burg grapevine is not a reliable source of information. All tips are to be checked.

/

44) Pretending to make out with Bombshell is no longer an appropriate cover.

a. Boss Man does not appreciate you touching his woman.

b. For Christ sake RANGER AND I ARE NOT A COUPLE!

/

45) Stop clogging the airways with cowboy talk.

/

46) And take that hat off.

/

47) If your first attempt is not successful you are not to go straight to the last resort.

a. If all else fails pretend to be a pizza delivery guy. Everyone likes pizza.

b. I don't.

c. You're not normal.

d. I keep forgetting... what was that rule about discussion forums?

e. Oh whatever.

/

48) A midnight duel never plays out the way you think it will.

a. Criminals are rarely that dumb.

b. Are you kidding? Have you been out in the field lately?

/

49) We are professionals. We DO NOT slide down the banister on the stairs.

a. ESPECIALLY not old, decrepit, wooden ones.

/

50) Shoot outs do NOT always occur at high noon.

a. We are not cowboys.

b. If we were, our gun holsters would be a damn lot cooler looking.

/

51) Cal is no longer allowed to place written comments on the list of Amended Rules and Reg's.

/

52) When the fugitive is spotted you put down your knitting. The capture cannot wait until you've finished the row.

a. Who the hell knits on a stakeout?

b. Who the hell CAN knit?

c. And what were you knitting anyway?

d. Booties for Boss Man's and Bombshell's kids.

e. GAH!


	3. Chapter 3

**[AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_** There were a few rule ideas we wanted to expand on or put in but they either slipped our minds or didn't fit in. So here we are back again, by Reviewer Request, with yet again more rules].**_

.

_It soon came to everyone's attention just how bad some people's handwriting was. As such, an unspoken rule emerged. From now on all rules will be typed._

_.  
_

**AMENDED RULES AND REGULATIONS **

**AT RANGEMAN CO.**

.

_Rules and Regulations Cont:_

_**More rules concerning dress code, language, and fire range behaviour:**_

_**.  
**_

53) There is no need to learn how to quick draw our guns.

a) For the last time, we are not cowboys.

b) But what if the fugitive we're after is? We gotta be fully prepared!

.

54) Cal is no longer allowed to place TYPED comments on the Amended Rules and Reg's, either.

.

55) No garter belts and stockings/ pantyhose to be worn during work hours unless you are female.

a) ESPECIALLY not if you're going to get sick of wearing it halfway through the day and take it off.

b) No, we're not buying that they're Bombshells'.

c) She's not THAT robust.

d) Gee thanks guys, way to make a girl feel good about herself.

e) A little baby fat is nothing to be ashamed about.

f) I'M ***NOT*** PREGNANT!

g) Baby fat is different to BABY fat.

h) Yeah, Tank's got baby fat see the difference?

.

56)The words "Baby"/"pregnant" and Steph/Bombshell/Babe/Cupcake are not to be uttered in the same sentence EVER AGAIN.

a) Technically they weren't in the sentence.

b) Shut up Bobby, no one likes a smartass.

.

57) High Heels are only permitted if you can run in them.

a) How the hell did you find them in your size?

b) Ebay.

.

58) All those wishing to wear heels must run track in them first.

.

59) Dressing the shooting range targets up as Grandma Bella is not allowed.

a) Even though it is added incentive to hit the heart.

b) This is for your own protection. She will just KNOW what you did.

.

60) No complaining about sore feet from running in heels. Women do it all the time.

.

61) The term 'spit shine' is not literal.

a) Especially if Lester is going to go around spitting on everyone's feet.

.

62) The gun range is not to be used for games involving NERF guns.

a) Painting the gun black does not hide the fact that the bullets are foam

b) If one more person mistakes a NERF gun for a real gun when heading out into the field they're fired.

c) And Vice versa for the gun range.

d) Even though the latter is not allowed.

.

63) Just because you put mistletoe above the lanes Boss Man and Bombshell frequent at the shooting range doesn't mean they're going to kiss.

a) Well, duh! Of course they're not. That tradition is only observed at Christmas time.

b) And besides, most the time they're not in there at the same time anyway.

c) Yeah, usually it's Tank and Boss Man in there together.

d) ...

e) ooOOoo, do I see some competition emerging?

f) KBASDVFUIBWESLV BSWLIVBS;OVNESAW;UB ! WE. ARE. NOT. A. COUPLE!

g) Not unless Tank gets him first.

h) Smack down. Noon. You know where.

.

64) Just because you say it doesn't make it a word.

a) Stop talking nonsense and expecting everyone to understand.

b) THAt's huRdy-GurDiLOus! Why, I'll bebObagGINI your fLEmatAgoRaTor!

.

65) Cal is no longer allowed to place comments made from the cut-outs of magazine or newspaper letters on the Amended Rules and Reg's.

.

66) High heels are not permitted. Even if you CAN run in them.

.

67) No one appreciates being called a wench on talk like a pirate day.

a) Arrr, but I be tellin' the truth.

b) Dude, I'M A DUDE!

.

68) A boot with googly eyes glued to it is not an appropriate cover for your bathroom break when you're on weapons duty.

a) I did a background check! I swear it was clean!

b) Yeah, but the sock ain't.

c) I didn't know he was smuggling a sock!

d) Dude, he had SHIFTY-EYES! Of COURSE he was smuggling a low-down filthy sock!

.

69) Cal is no longer allowed to place ANY type of comment on the Amended Rules and Reg's.

.

70) Telling the new recruits that they have to act as "moving targets", in the shooting range, as part of their training is strictly prohibited.

a) Tricking them into volunteering to be "moving targets" is also strictly prohibited.

b) Well blow me down! How'd you manage that?

c) Told them that Bombshell would kiss anyone brave enough to it.

d) I'll be a moving target!

.

71) Bagpipes are not a secret weapon and therefore cannot be housed in the gun cage.

a) Evidently you've never heard Tank play them.

.

72) Rushing out to rescue Bombshell should not be referred to as an Educational Field Trip to the new recruits.

a) Even if it technically has many commonalities with an Educational Field Trip.

b) And no, I don't care that you even did up worksheets for when you return.

.  
.


	4. Chapter 4

**[AUTHORS NOTE: **_**Well, after we (my co-conspirator Svendances and I) started writing the last chapter ideas kept forming. Unfortunately for us they didn't quite fit within the bounds set for the last chapter. Luckily for you, that means a whole new chapter!]**_

/

_Soon enough, themes were realised amongst the list of amended rules, and they were divided up into groups of similar threads._

_/_

**AMENDED RULES AND REGULATIONS**

**AT RANGEMAN CO.**

**/**

_Rules and Regulations Cont._

_**Rules pertaining to 'In the Office' behaviour and paperwork:**_

/

/

73) Meetings will now have assigned seating. This is to avoid the frustration of the speaker when employees switch seats when their back is turned.

a) Just the frustration of the lesser men, the best have eyes in the back of their heads  
b) And the Boss Man sees all anyway  
c) Like Santa Claus

/

74) Jokes about switching Bombshell's birth control pills with Tic Tacs will result in attendance at prenatal classes  
a) Followed by a very slow and painful death

/

75) While there is a similarity in the theme between Safety Dance and Security Briefings, the former should not be used as a substitute for the latter.  
a) We're sick of seeing Lester dance.  
b) *TRYING to dance  
c) Hey! I have mad skills!

/

76) The break room is not to be used to set up elaborate Mouse Trap-esque systems  
a) Nor the office cubicles  
b) Especially if a loaded gun is involved  
c) NERF guns count

/

77) (RELATED TO THE ABOVE) Dominoes are now prohibited on the premises.

/

78) Mission reports are to be submitted only AFTER you have thoroughly checked the spelling and grammar.

a) They are also to be written in English, as the majority cannot read other languages.

b) Eso no es justo!

c) ?**&%^$)*&E#%*)_*)(&&%$^%(_)*(_?

d) No. Just no.

/

79) Additions to the Amended Rules and Regulation are not to be typed in Webdings, Wingdings or any other symbol based fonts.

a) No one has the time to decipher that crap

b) Song o mong e tong hong i nong gong i nong o nong gong long a nong gong u a gong e!

c) Made up languages are also out

/

80) The rules of jinx are null and void within the building.

a) Dammit!

a) Dammit!

/

81) I don't care who did it, you're all on clean up duty.

/

82) Folding written mission reports into paper planes and throwing them in the direction of the 'In' tray is not acceptable.

a) Just because you aim it in that direction, doesn't guarantee it'll land in the 'In' tray.

b) My aim is AWESOME; it's Lester that always misses.

c) HEY!

/

83) Folding written mission report into paper CRANES and throwing them in the direction of the 'In' tray is not acceptable.

a) That includes three headed cranes.

b) You know what? Folding your reports into ANY shape and throwing it is not acceptable.

/

84) When handing in written mission reports you are to get out of you chair, walk over to the 'In' tray and gently place them inside.

a) If more than one person is handing in a report at the same time, you do not need to wrestle/ fight/tackle or otherwise bicker about who gets to put their mission report in first.

b) But I was there before him!

/

85) Reports are not more fun when Tank has to assemble the pieces in the correct order himself.

a) You are making him angry.

b) You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

/

86) Scented paper and ink is not to be used in the building

a) It's was an order form typo, I swear!

b) Suuuuuuuure it was.

/

87) There is no such thing as a 'choose your own adventure' Field Report.

a) I want a real live choose your own adventure!  
b) It's called real life doofus

/

88) Reports are to be written or typed not "recorded from the diary room"

a) We have a diary room? No way that's awesome!

b) Uh, what's a diary room?

c) Dude, please tell me you're kidding?

d) ...no?

e) Sheesh man, you know from Big Brother? There's a room where they go in to record their thoughts or worries or ask Big Brother questions.

f) So what you're saying is... Bobby is Big Brother?

g) You're an idiot.

/

89) Re-enactment videos created by you and your field partner are not reports.

a) Especially if you're going to add Matrix-like special effects.

b) But it was really like that!

/

90) Office chair swimming is strictly prohibited.

a) No fair! You're just jealous cause I always win.

b) Am not!

c) Are too!

d) Am NOT!

e) Are TOO!

f) AM NOT!

g) ARE TOO!

h) Children! Enough!

i) Yeah! Listen to Bomb-Mommy!

j) Wouldn't it be Bat-Mommy? Cause she's having Batbabies?

k) How many times do I have to say it? I'M NOT PREGNANT!

l) Well, maybe not right NOW, but that could change any day you know :P

/

91) If you need to speak to someone, get off your chair and walk to them. Your chair is not a mode of transport.

a) I don't care if you rig it up with controls and an engine.

b) That was for something TOTALLY different.

/

92) Your office chair is not to be used as/for any of the following:

a) Transport

b) Recreation sport

c) Recreational play

d) Weapon

e) Torture


	5. Chapter 5

**[AUTHORS NOTE: **_**If there is any specific room/ rule you want added to the list, feel free to toss it our way.]**_

_**/  
**_

_By the end of the year boards had popped up everywhere throughout the building, the rules on them generally pertaining to the area they were placed._

_/  
_

**AMENDED RULES AND REGULATIONS**

**AT RANGEMAN CO.**

**/  
**

**/  
**

_Rules and Regulations Cont._

_**Things you need to remember about injuries, medical emergencies and training:**_

/

93) Field injuries do not entitle you to a handicap sticker on your SUV

a) It was your own stupid fault

b) We don't have a handicapped space anyway

c) Painting the handicapped symbol on the closest space to the elevator isn't fooling anyone

/

94) Employees are not to deface company property, including but not limited to walls, floors and car spaces, with paint in any form.

/

95) A 'broken heart' is not a medical emergency

a) Bobby does not appreciate the late night phone calls

/

96) New recruits are not required to pick a team in the Pirates Vs Ninjas debate.

a) Nor is anyone else required to pick a team.

b) Not even if you need to have two teams for a training exercise.

/

97) There is no Pirate Vs Ninjas war.

a) So hog-tying someone and leaving them butt-naked in the middle of the gym because they're "your enemy" is wrong.

b) And will be punished.

c) And everyone knows Cowboys are better anyway.

/

98) The 'Field of Honour' does not exist; therefore it is wrong to challenge New Recruits to a showdown there.

a) And then rag on them for "chickening out" when they can't find it, and therefore don't show up.

/

99) You are NOT required to wear bulletproof cups on duty.

a) Nor are you allowed to "test their durability" by making new recruits wear them

/

100) Bombshell is no longer required to kiss any of your "little boo-boos" better.

a) She has better things to do with her lips

b) Don't you mean better PEOPLE to do?

c) Do I need to start censoring the rules?

d) No, ma'am.

e) ... So, big boo-boos still count?

/

101) New recruits are not required to pick a team in the Cowboys Vs Zombies debate.

a) Again, neither is anyone else

b) And again, not even if you need to have two teams.

/

102) Calling in sick cause you're suffering from period pain, only works once a month.

a) And generally ONLY if you're female.

b) Generally? Not absolutely?

/

103) While sending New Recruits to go find "headlight fluid", "a box of grid squares", "left handed wrench" etc might be hilarious, it is in fact a waste of training time.

/

104) "Dog piles" are not required training.

/

105) I don't know what you're telling the new recruits about Steph, but cut it out.

a) They're afraid to go in the elevator with me!

/

106) Medicine balls are not appropriate equipment for playing dodge ball.

/

107) Not allowed to play "human bowling."

/

108) New recruits are not required to pick a team in the Dinosaurs Vs Dragons debate.

a) Seriously guys, how many times do we have to go through this?

b) And calling Tank the "Dinosaurs' Mascot" will only result in injury.

c) *Sniggers* Dinosaurs' Mascot, that sounds diiiirty.

/

109) Nursery rhymes are not to be used as a cadence, no matter how 'catchy' and 'rhythmic' they are.

a) Yeah, the boss and bombshell are already dreading having to learn them all anyway.

b) But this would so totally help!

c) I swear to God I will taser the balls of the next person who implies I'm pregnant!

d) That's just cruel! What did my golf balls ever do to you? :P

e) Dude, golf? Really?

/

110) 'Hazing' New Recruits is a juvenile practice, any stunt/ activity you force them to do, you will be required to do also.

a) Strip club anyone?

b) As long as you're paying.

/

111) Bobby doesn't care if you got a paper cut.

a) You know where the bandaids are

b) But those ones are plain and he has Disney ones!

c) Suck it up Princess!

/

112) Calling the teams "Team Morelli" and "Team Ranger" will get you fired.

a) Seriously, what are you? A bunch of hormonal schoolgirls?

b) Besides, you should all be Team Ranger anyway.

/

113) Steph has a STOMACH FLU, her throwing up, is therefore NOT "hard evidence" that she is pregnant.

a) Cause she's not damn well pregnant!

b) We get the picture; you don't have to get so defensive about it!

c) Yeah, we're not judging you... or your 'abilities' in getting her pregnant.

d) Indubitably, some perfectly fertile people have trouble getting pregnant, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

e) Indubitably?

f) Indeed.

g) What?

h) What?

i) I'M NOT PREGNANT! WE'RE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! WE! ARE! NOT! A! COUPLE!


End file.
